Dumping Grounds

Well first of all, I need to just say how disappointed I am in myself for allowing it to be 4 months since I last posted.  As you can imagine lots has happened between now and then.  I have to say, it's been mostly bad.  I got down on myself and just frankly quit trying to be a healthy person.  But now, I feel like poop.  Literally.

 I know it's due to lifestyle choices and too much eating out, but it's hard.  It's so hard to look in the mirror every day and see my post pregnant body and think am I ever going to be normal looking again?  It's so hard to work and work and not see any changes.  I guess it's mostly mind games we play with ourselves, right?  Ok, show of hands here,  how many of us look in the mirror where we can see our faces only?  Cause if my face is pretty the rest of me must be too, right?

I know losing weight is so much more than just cutting calories, or eating low carb, or portion control.  I know that I also have to exercise- our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit (I Corinthians 6:19-20) and if I don't care for my body, I'm doing a disservice to God, right?  But let me explain my relationship with exercise.  I don't just hate it, I LOATHE it.  I absolutely hands down despise with all of my being exercising.  Here's why- it's very simple- it's embarrassing.  I hate being out there working out with all my pregnancy cellulite next to women who have never seen an ounce of fat in their entire lives.  I shimmy and shake when I put the effort into it it and it hurts.  Both physically and emotionally.  My body aches after.  No I don't feel better after exercising (other than maybe being proud I pushed through it).  I'm emotionally spent.  I have just reminded myself of why I am having to do it- and just how bad it is that I let myself go and get that way.  In cased you missed my memo- I hate to exercise.

Now having said that for the past three mornings I have gotten up and walked the two mile track around Lake Bella Vista.  (ok it's only 1.8 miles, but it's a start)  In addition to walking I've pushed the baby limo as I loving refer to it with  my precious children which is an added about 100 pounds total of resistance. I'm way sore afterwards, but I did it.  I'm pretty proud I've done it.  I can't say that I haven't gone home, gotten in the shower and bawled my eyes out for getting to be the way that I am, but I've done it.  Eventually it'll get easier and I'll be about to do the track twice.  I hope to be able to run someday, but that requires a better stroller and lots more training on my part. 

So I say all of that to say I'm back.  I'm back in the game, I'm back on the horse, back in the wagon.  I want to find me again.  I'm lost somewhere in this body and I want to find me again.  Me before pregnancy, me before the single years of drowning my sorrows in food, me before the freshman 15 or 20 or 30. 

I hope to be talking to you again a lot sooner.  Until next time- trudging on. . .